Today it’s a blueberry muffin and a Chocolate Peanut Butter Avalanche, so good! I wait for my drink and it’s her again, who calls my number. I don’t know her name but kindness comes from her lips every time she speaks. A beautiful young lady with a soft English accent, beautiful creamy white skin, brown hair and lips like rubies. Sweet is the name of the people here I realize, greetings with love and true kindness. What is it that is different? I wonder to myself as she asks me yet again “How are you?”
It’s not the question, I think. It is the heart behind the question. Why do people always ask these questions when they don’t truly care the answer? It’s just something people do; it’s the way to fill uncomfortable silence. Why not just keep it silent and leave it awkward, when you don’t care the answer to the question you ask? Is it just the polite thing to do? I'm not sure. Her question, more so than before came with love, she seemed to care the answer. I wonder now, when I ask do I truly care the answer every time or am I trying to fill awkward silence? I may be doing just that at times.
I don’t want to do that! I doubt that Jesus asked people this question and didn’t care the answer. I’m sure he cared what the answer was with all his heart, yet he already knew their response. How much more should I care, when I don’t know what the response may be? I should care just as much. I have a heart for people; I really do care for people, their emotions and what they are going through. Not every time I've asked that question have I truly care for the answer. What is it in me that doesn’t care? Is it because I don’t know them? Well goodness what more of a way to get to know them.
On this trip I have learned to care for people that are hard to care for. May it be that they are difficult or I struggle with certain aspects of their personality? God has stretched me to reach out to the people others push away and to truly care what their answer is to such a question. I care what they feel, what they are going through and in my response to their answer they could feel comfort. The sweet barista genuinely cared to hear my answer to her question and I felt comfort in her hearts response. What a way to show Christ’s love, to care for one another.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Love Worth Waiting For
I sit here longing for his heart and he shows me something I always knew but never knew all at the same time. I must not have known it because I was settling for lesser lovers. I jumped into every relationship that came my way. I cannot even fathom the beauty of the man he has made and is preparing for me. I will not settle for lesser than exactly what God has made for me. I will not allow myself to even come near being treated like I was treated. He will not be like the men I’ve been with. His heart will be focused on God, focused on purity and truth. He will have a hunger for the knowledge, glory and love of God. He will be a warrior even greater than I. Love will not be aroused or awoke. I don’t want to give myself away to any other lover than Jesus. I want to save all of what God has given back to me. I want to save it for the man I will marry. I will know he is the right one when he truly wants the same and when I am weak he is strong and so I will be strong when he is weak. I see this love I will find and it makes me cry because I realize what the devil was trying to steal from me. A love I have tried to squeeze out of other relationships and could never truly have. I will have this love. I just am blown away at the beauty of it. The truth, purity, beauty, peace, unity, molding, compatibility, faithfulness, boundary, trust, honesty, holiness, understanding and so much more that will come in with this relationship. I’m in shock and awe of what I would have missed out on. A lover that I actually will run with, run together after God. He lifting me high and pushing me toward the destiny he sees in me. A destiny I put in his hands with trust that he will protect it. A man with knowledge of the word, a man who can even help me grow and that I can help grow. Someone that I can talk with about what God is doing in me and around me. Someone I can sit and just pray and worship with for hours upon hours. All these things I’ve never had and now know that these things are what God has made and built in a man for me. HOW BEAUTIFUL!!!
Monday, June 16, 2008
My Testimony
I was raised in your typical Christian home, church every Sunday, youth group every Wednesday and the occasional attendance at a college bible study held at my home by one of my older brothers. I am the youngest of five, three brothers and a sister. Childhood was amazing, fun and very loud. My family as a whole and all individually are very blessed and gifted in the area of music, be it voice or another type of instrument. My dad always jokes about how he doesn’t know where we all got it from because in his mind, he can’t keep a beat. I grew up use to going to bed with the sound of my brother’s playing their pianos. Yes, more than one, we actually had three in one room at the time. I found that I was unable to sleep without it.
I grew to love music and found a passion and a love for the voice God gave me. At family gathering’s we always seemed to find ourselves back in the living room with the pianos and all the percussion instruments making noise and singing loud worship songs in fellowship together. All those times have to be my favorite memories of growing up and yet it still seems to happen when we all get together.
Since I was little I have had a passion for music, singing in the shopping cart in the grocery store or in my sleep as a child. As I grew older, around 9 years old at a church event I accepted Christ into my heart as my personal savior. I sang every now and then at the church I was attending at the time, The Flipside, and every Wednesday at youth group and at every youth event we had reaching out into the church. I also found myself going after singing at the outreaches the church held for the homeless. I always found myself struggling with the fact that I couldn’t sing more, I wanted to sing at everything. Then, in high school choir, I was around other girls I felt sang much better than I or had a different range than myself so I shied away a little from singing as much and tried to expand my range. As I’ve gotten older I’ve grown much more confident in my voice but still today struggle with comparing my voice to others and over analyzing the quality of my voice at times, picking at it, trying to consistently make it better without really knowing how.
I found myself longing to do what my brother did, play the piano and sing. He then soon went after and received his BA, majoring in music. It never hit me then at the age fourteen, but now at a more recent show my brother played in I realized how much I wanted to study music and how it all would fit in with my ministry. But I knew a college wouldn’t exactly be the place I would learn from. I grew away from the church I was involved in and grew towards another church, one moving in the prophetic, healing and in the Spirit. This all happened in September of 2005, after my cousin–in-law, Jake Hamilton, came back from IHOP-KC and Bethel Church in Redding California with a burning to start a house of prayer in the city we live in, Rancho Cucamonga.
So meeting after meeting at my house we contended for God to bless us with a building and so He did. We then moved out of that one into another in January 2008 that God blessed us with and The Refuge House of Prayer is still growing and growing. I have been apart of this house of prayer since the beginning, singing at every opportunity. I have been one of the prophetic singer’s at RefugeHOP for a year now. I began the internship at Refuge and started leading my own prayer times on the piano but then realized God was calling me out to go and find Him in the secret place and gain His heart. This was hard for me, I didn’t want to leave that place of worship and that spot of leadership I was in. Why go to a different state to find intimacy with Him. “Why not just here God?”, I asked. He was taking me to a different place a different season of my life because at that time I was struggled with relationships. I severed those ties and now I’m in a season of consecration, finding my identity in Christ at this hour. So leaning into Him, I decided to get baptized and come to Missouri. Without His heart and finding my own secret place with Him and spending time in His heart, I wouldn’t be able to fulfill the calling on my life in the way He has planned for me.
Without that true intimacy with Him I wouldn’t sing what is on His heart but what was on mine. I had to humble myself before Him, knowing that in my leaving the place of leadership I was in to come and be in the wilderness with Him, He was truly going to bless me. That is why I came to IHOP-KC for the month of June, to sit in the prayer room crying out day and night, hour upon hour praying for revelation of His love for me. Praying for Him to give me His heart so that I may truly worship and pray the things that are on His heart. I prayed and prayed before coming here, that God would reveal things to me faster than I thought. I have received so much and am a different woman than I was before. I have grown astronomically in these last few weeks, it’s so beautiful.
He is continually filling me with song and music and it just pours out of His heart into me. It’s then I put in onto paper. I have yet put my words to music but long to do so. I have a passion for the piano and pick up things like a sponge its not even funny. I have been practicing the piano with my brother with a book he wrote and have picked up the piano in a month’s time. I cannot read music but know with teaching I will get it in no time. I still am going after playing the piano because it just flows from me. I am not as good as I would like to think I am but am going after it.
My calling is to be a worship leader. I hunger to take people up to heaven with me with the words that come out of my mouth pouring out from the throne of heaven, withholding the beauty and presence of God in a place of worship and prayer. I long to lead others into the throne room with Christ, that they may not hear words from my lips but words from the lips and heart of Christ, unto them. My heart yearns for His heart, yearns to sing praise to Him, day and night. I know that if I continue to press myself upon His heart, He will continue to pour out His beautiful secrets upon me. I know that in this academy I will be challenged and some things may come easier than others for me but I am focused and determined in the end result of this pursuit.
Now as I have come to this place of intimacy with Him, intimacy I go after day and night I am confident in the gifts He has given me, confident that He has called me to a life of prayer, worship and fasting. I’m not taking it lightly but going after His heart violently, that I may fulfill my calling as a worship leader going after intimacy and pursing my destiny.
I grew to love music and found a passion and a love for the voice God gave me. At family gathering’s we always seemed to find ourselves back in the living room with the pianos and all the percussion instruments making noise and singing loud worship songs in fellowship together. All those times have to be my favorite memories of growing up and yet it still seems to happen when we all get together.
Since I was little I have had a passion for music, singing in the shopping cart in the grocery store or in my sleep as a child. As I grew older, around 9 years old at a church event I accepted Christ into my heart as my personal savior. I sang every now and then at the church I was attending at the time, The Flipside, and every Wednesday at youth group and at every youth event we had reaching out into the church. I also found myself going after singing at the outreaches the church held for the homeless. I always found myself struggling with the fact that I couldn’t sing more, I wanted to sing at everything. Then, in high school choir, I was around other girls I felt sang much better than I or had a different range than myself so I shied away a little from singing as much and tried to expand my range. As I’ve gotten older I’ve grown much more confident in my voice but still today struggle with comparing my voice to others and over analyzing the quality of my voice at times, picking at it, trying to consistently make it better without really knowing how.
I found myself longing to do what my brother did, play the piano and sing. He then soon went after and received his BA, majoring in music. It never hit me then at the age fourteen, but now at a more recent show my brother played in I realized how much I wanted to study music and how it all would fit in with my ministry. But I knew a college wouldn’t exactly be the place I would learn from. I grew away from the church I was involved in and grew towards another church, one moving in the prophetic, healing and in the Spirit. This all happened in September of 2005, after my cousin–in-law, Jake Hamilton, came back from IHOP-KC and Bethel Church in Redding California with a burning to start a house of prayer in the city we live in, Rancho Cucamonga.
So meeting after meeting at my house we contended for God to bless us with a building and so He did. We then moved out of that one into another in January 2008 that God blessed us with and The Refuge House of Prayer is still growing and growing. I have been apart of this house of prayer since the beginning, singing at every opportunity. I have been one of the prophetic singer’s at RefugeHOP for a year now. I began the internship at Refuge and started leading my own prayer times on the piano but then realized God was calling me out to go and find Him in the secret place and gain His heart. This was hard for me, I didn’t want to leave that place of worship and that spot of leadership I was in. Why go to a different state to find intimacy with Him. “Why not just here God?”, I asked. He was taking me to a different place a different season of my life because at that time I was struggled with relationships. I severed those ties and now I’m in a season of consecration, finding my identity in Christ at this hour. So leaning into Him, I decided to get baptized and come to Missouri. Without His heart and finding my own secret place with Him and spending time in His heart, I wouldn’t be able to fulfill the calling on my life in the way He has planned for me.
Without that true intimacy with Him I wouldn’t sing what is on His heart but what was on mine. I had to humble myself before Him, knowing that in my leaving the place of leadership I was in to come and be in the wilderness with Him, He was truly going to bless me. That is why I came to IHOP-KC for the month of June, to sit in the prayer room crying out day and night, hour upon hour praying for revelation of His love for me. Praying for Him to give me His heart so that I may truly worship and pray the things that are on His heart. I prayed and prayed before coming here, that God would reveal things to me faster than I thought. I have received so much and am a different woman than I was before. I have grown astronomically in these last few weeks, it’s so beautiful.
He is continually filling me with song and music and it just pours out of His heart into me. It’s then I put in onto paper. I have yet put my words to music but long to do so. I have a passion for the piano and pick up things like a sponge its not even funny. I have been practicing the piano with my brother with a book he wrote and have picked up the piano in a month’s time. I cannot read music but know with teaching I will get it in no time. I still am going after playing the piano because it just flows from me. I am not as good as I would like to think I am but am going after it.
My calling is to be a worship leader. I hunger to take people up to heaven with me with the words that come out of my mouth pouring out from the throne of heaven, withholding the beauty and presence of God in a place of worship and prayer. I long to lead others into the throne room with Christ, that they may not hear words from my lips but words from the lips and heart of Christ, unto them. My heart yearns for His heart, yearns to sing praise to Him, day and night. I know that if I continue to press myself upon His heart, He will continue to pour out His beautiful secrets upon me. I know that in this academy I will be challenged and some things may come easier than others for me but I am focused and determined in the end result of this pursuit.
Now as I have come to this place of intimacy with Him, intimacy I go after day and night I am confident in the gifts He has given me, confident that He has called me to a life of prayer, worship and fasting. I’m not taking it lightly but going after His heart violently, that I may fulfill my calling as a worship leader going after intimacy and pursing my destiny.
Friday, June 13, 2008
A Heavenly Renewal
Breakdown
I’m breaking down in pieces at your throne
Breakdown
I’m scattered I'm broken for you
God renew
Renew this heart
It’s been searching for you in all the wrong places
God renew
Renew this soul
It’s needing your touch
Only your touch
Holy Spirit come be inside of me
God renew
Renew this heart
It’s crying out your name
I’m crying out name
And you hear me, It's only you who hears me
God renew
Renew this soul
Cuz I don’t wanna be me anymore
I wanna be just like you
God renew
Renew this body
Take it, break it
Make it new, It's all for you
Cleanse this body
It just feels dirty
And in need of a holy spirit shower
So rain down
Rain down your glory and power
Fill me up with who you are
Rain down your beauty
Make me whole
For It's you who satisfies me
For It's you who satisfies me
It’s only you who satisfies me
So Rain down
Rain down you glory and power
Fill me up with who you are
Rain down your beauty
Make me whole
For It's you who satisfies me
For It's you who satisfies me
It’s only you who satisfies me
I’m breaking down in pieces at your throne
Breakdown
I’m scattered I'm broken for you
God renew
Renew this heart
It’s been searching for you in all the wrong places
God renew
Renew this soul
It’s needing your touch
Only your touch
Holy Spirit come be inside of me
God renew
Renew this heart
It’s crying out your name
I’m crying out name
And you hear me, It's only you who hears me
God renew
Renew this soul
Cuz I don’t wanna be me anymore
I wanna be just like you
God renew
Renew this body
Take it, break it
Make it new, It's all for you
Cleanse this body
It just feels dirty
And in need of a holy spirit shower
So rain down
Rain down your glory and power
Fill me up with who you are
Rain down your beauty
Make me whole
For It's you who satisfies me
For It's you who satisfies me
It’s only you who satisfies me
So Rain down
Rain down you glory and power
Fill me up with who you are
Rain down your beauty
Make me whole
For It's you who satisfies me
For It's you who satisfies me
It’s only you who satisfies me
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Worship
I sit here in the coffee shop yet again, another day but the same seat at the same table. I feel this part of me that is being filled; it’s been being filled by God. It’s filling so full that it’s pouring out all over me and drenching the feet of the people around me. It is a filling I’ve cried out for and desired in this way. I didn’t realize it was happening to me until last night in my bed room songs began to pour out of my heart, mind, soul, and mouth. Every part of my being was being filled with music. I was singing things I’ve never known, so beautiful, from the lips of God.
This filling is prophetic worship, being in the prayer room day and night I am being filled with music. Music lifted up in worship not from me or my being but worship from the lips and the heart of God. Being in the prayer room 12 hours a day I get to experience so many different prophetic worshipers. The words they sing come so freely, not forced, not even thought about, they just pour out of their mouths like a mighty river from the throne of the God. Such sweet, beautiful, powerful, moving and touching words come out like fire, every single time each and every one of them opens their mouths. Hour upon hour my ears and heart hear and feel the beauty of Gods heart and the moving he is doing in them and through them.
I have been being filled with words straight from the heart of God day after day. Since I was a baby I have sang prophetically, making up beautiful love songs about Jesus. Once even telling my mom at the age of four that my little friend was born to be shy and I was born to sing. I was born to sing, I take this gift and I’m running with it. I thank God ever day for it and I continue to thank him for the words he is putting in my heart. The new way of thinking, feeling, singing and describing he has placed in me. He has opened my heart to worship, placing my heart in a different place so that I may receive words from his lips and his heart, amongst the men and women here at IHOP-KC.
Next thing I know I have followed the movement into the prayer room, being drug in and all of a sudden hit with a cloud of prayer the instance my face hit the air incased inside the prayer room. Words of worship being lifted up by one of my most favorite female worship leaders here at IHOP-KC, Ashley Prior. The words from her lips came with love and power pouring out of her heart from the heart of the Lord. I felt a release in my spirit as I started to sing. There is so much beauty in worship, worshiping from your heart, giving all of yourself to God through your lips with love and genuine heart abandonment. Lifting my hands up high in awe and wonder of the Glorious King, he is all I need, all my heart desires.
God has given me a new wineskin, one that can contain all he is pouring into me. I was in desperate need of a new wineskin. He is stretching me and pressing me, making me into a beautiful, tasteful vine, a wine that he so desires. He is continually filling me up with worship and knowledge of his word. With the new heart he has given me, my worship comes from a different place now. Praise you Jesus for hearing my cry for your heart, answering me and filling my desire. God, may my wineskin always be full, that it may never come close to running dry. God, keep me full as I chase after you day and night. That there may be a constant flow from heaven to me that never ends. God, that I would pour it out and remain full. God, that I may forever pour out your heart and your love through worship and prayer. Praise you Jesus, all my soul praises your Holy name!
This filling is prophetic worship, being in the prayer room day and night I am being filled with music. Music lifted up in worship not from me or my being but worship from the lips and the heart of God. Being in the prayer room 12 hours a day I get to experience so many different prophetic worshipers. The words they sing come so freely, not forced, not even thought about, they just pour out of their mouths like a mighty river from the throne of the God. Such sweet, beautiful, powerful, moving and touching words come out like fire, every single time each and every one of them opens their mouths. Hour upon hour my ears and heart hear and feel the beauty of Gods heart and the moving he is doing in them and through them.
I have been being filled with words straight from the heart of God day after day. Since I was a baby I have sang prophetically, making up beautiful love songs about Jesus. Once even telling my mom at the age of four that my little friend was born to be shy and I was born to sing. I was born to sing, I take this gift and I’m running with it. I thank God ever day for it and I continue to thank him for the words he is putting in my heart. The new way of thinking, feeling, singing and describing he has placed in me. He has opened my heart to worship, placing my heart in a different place so that I may receive words from his lips and his heart, amongst the men and women here at IHOP-KC.
Next thing I know I have followed the movement into the prayer room, being drug in and all of a sudden hit with a cloud of prayer the instance my face hit the air incased inside the prayer room. Words of worship being lifted up by one of my most favorite female worship leaders here at IHOP-KC, Ashley Prior. The words from her lips came with love and power pouring out of her heart from the heart of the Lord. I felt a release in my spirit as I started to sing. There is so much beauty in worship, worshiping from your heart, giving all of yourself to God through your lips with love and genuine heart abandonment. Lifting my hands up high in awe and wonder of the Glorious King, he is all I need, all my heart desires.
God has given me a new wineskin, one that can contain all he is pouring into me. I was in desperate need of a new wineskin. He is stretching me and pressing me, making me into a beautiful, tasteful vine, a wine that he so desires. He is continually filling me up with worship and knowledge of his word. With the new heart he has given me, my worship comes from a different place now. Praise you Jesus for hearing my cry for your heart, answering me and filling my desire. God, may my wineskin always be full, that it may never come close to running dry. God, keep me full as I chase after you day and night. That there may be a constant flow from heaven to me that never ends. God, that I would pour it out and remain full. God, that I may forever pour out your heart and your love through worship and prayer. Praise you Jesus, all my soul praises your Holy name!
TAKE ALL OF ME!!!
Sunday evening I found myself again walking back to the prayer house. I was on my way there to catch a buss over to the FMA (forerunner music academy) building for Church at 6:00pm. It was a beautiful day, minus the humidity of like 100% and the blazing sun beating down on me as I walked the mile to the prayer house.
I found myself sitting in this huge room, a room I had been in before with my ears listening to the beautiful music that was coming out of Alisha Powell’s mouth. Then Lou gets up to speak after the dancers do this amazing dance along with this song that all just made me break out in tears. Lou gets up on stage and starts off by making us all laugh, love the guys he’s so much fun, and then just goes off about the call he feels for us to start a 40 day fast. Starting on the 30th all the way till the Call DC. He just stood up there burning calling us to this fast. I felt it hit me like a wave, many people felt the same wave. You could see it on their facial expressions.
Then after Lou’s talk with us we went into more worship. I felt something right then leave me. I can’t explain it, a feeling of insecurity or something that was holding me back from worshiping was gone. I didn’t care how silly I looked, how loud I was or how bad I sounded. I was giving it all to him with my worship. It was truly just me and Jesus in that room for all I cared. I felt him kiss my heart then and I left my seat with the biggest smile. Then to my surprise as I turned the corner to leave the building there was a line for the door. It was RAINING! No not just rain like it does in California but I mean RAIN. There was lightening like I’ve never seen till I came out here and thunder so loud it shook the ground.
So I waited and waited for the busses to take people back and forth from where I was to the prayer room. Finally it was my turn, run, run I go to the buss. I ended up in the seat next to the side of the buss, squished between it and some very talkative guy. I couldn’t take my eyes off of outside and the amazing lightening, owing and awing at every bolt. Finally we arrived at IHOP. On the exiting of the buss I hear a guy make a comment to me:
“So im guessing that the fact that your just as amazed as I am that your from the west.”
“Yup” I say
“From California?” he says
“Yeah” I respond
“Southern California?” he asks
As it turns out, this guy is from Southern California too. Anthony is his name he was very sweet, medium height with dirty blonde hair and light eyes. I then respond and he asked me where exactly. I tell him Rancho Cucamonga. Surprisingly he knew exactly what I was talking about. So we talk a little as we both walk together back to the prayer room for night watch. That’s that with Anthony.
I then find myself again in the prayer room in the middle row toward the back. It was around nine thirty, maybe almost ten at the time. Praying and praying for hour upon hour along with reading Sacred Obsession. I then start to realize I don’t feel good, my stomach was hurting and I had a little bit of a headache. No big deal I thought, I will get over this. So I go back into what I was doing. Next thing I know I find myself looking back up at the clock, mean while this is not like me I haven’t ever felt like this. I couldn’t figure out what was the matter with me. Everything in me was wanting to be in that prayer room, it wasn’t like I was tired or anything. So I start praying about it and then realize that maybe it would be best if I went home and tried to sleep or something. Maybe my body is trying to tell me something. I know I have been wearing it out but come on, I’m tuff.
So I think to myself “well ok its after three in the morning, I know I can last three more hours what in the worlds the matter with me?” Its then that I realize that I should walk home, not knowing why. So I find myself up and out of my seat and on my way to the doors outside. Its then I realize that it’s still raining, not as much but raining. So with no hesitation I go on the mile walk back to my house. It’s not an easy walk, no not even a safe walk but I walk it everyday and sometimes night, what's the big deal, and who cares if it’s raining.
It’s in that moment that I start to feel like I'm in a movie. I start my journey home just me and my purse filled with a bible and two books. Of course of all the clothing color I was wearing white, go figure. Never the less in the middle of my walk I start to feel something inside me starting to break, I feel my heart fill up with emotion and my eyes swelling up with tears. I felt God touch me on that walk home. I felt him pouring his love over me that whole walk. I felt every kind of emotion you would feel as I was being drenched with rain water soaking me. I finally arrive home, stumbling for me key that I can’t see with all the rain pouring down my face from my hair. I get into the house and just feel in a rush to take my clothes off and get in pajamas. In a rush because I knew something was going to happen to me just then, something I had been wanting to do, trying to do and needing to do but hadn’t truly done. I went into the bathroom, figuring that’s where the girls wouldn’t hear me so I wouldn’t wake them up. I went into that bathroom and collapsed on the floor in tears.
A cry that when I think about it now it makes me want to cry. It was an amazing cry, one that works every muscle in your body. I lay face down on the floor physically crying out to God and I began to tell him “God take my life, take all of me. You have control, I am yours. God make me new, I don’t want to be who I once was. Come God and change me. I give you permission to do what you will with me and my life. I don’t want to be in control God, come take the pen of my life and I want you to write out my story of life and love God, not me. I want to leave here changed. I need you Jesus and only you. Come and fill me up, I want only you. Take this life and make it yours. I give you the control God; I give it ALL to you.” I felt him tell me to look at myself. So I got up and looked at myself in the mirror. I can’t even describe it. I looked in the mirror and saw the most beautiful girl before me, through the red puffy eyes with makeup everywhere. I was the most beautiful girl. I’m crying right now as I write this. I wish I could explain the way my eyes were to you. I couldn’t stop looking at them. They looked blue, blue like the ocean. So I had to get closer to take another look. No way I have blue eyes, my eyes are green. Sure enough my eyes were blue. The most beautiful blue eyes I’ve ever seen in my entire life. They were indescribable. For a few minutes God gave me his eyes, his eyes so I could see me how he sees me. I am beautiful, so beautiful to him. I don’t even mean out wards but every bit of me he is amazed by, everything about who I am, the way I look my personality, EVERYTHING captures his heart!!!
Its then I realized I had never done what I did that night. I gave him everything, I mean everything. I don’t want any of it. Why am I so worried about my life when I can just give it to him so he can piece it together for me. So I did, I gave it all and in that exact moment of me giving him all control he gave back to me and revealed to me, in a way I never thought possible, he showed me how he sees me. By literally giving me his eyes so that I was able to see the beauty he sees in me and the Joy his heart feels that I gave my life over to him. That’s all he wanted, he wanted me!!! He wants me and only me, all of me! That’s all I want, is for him to have all of me and I all of him.
That night in that little bathroom changed me. He has taken the pen and I don’t want to ever be in hold of it again. It was that night I laid my broken pieces on the floor at his feet and he let me watch him put them back together. They were put back together more beautiful than they ever were before.
I found myself sitting in this huge room, a room I had been in before with my ears listening to the beautiful music that was coming out of Alisha Powell’s mouth. Then Lou gets up to speak after the dancers do this amazing dance along with this song that all just made me break out in tears. Lou gets up on stage and starts off by making us all laugh, love the guys he’s so much fun, and then just goes off about the call he feels for us to start a 40 day fast. Starting on the 30th all the way till the Call DC. He just stood up there burning calling us to this fast. I felt it hit me like a wave, many people felt the same wave. You could see it on their facial expressions.
Then after Lou’s talk with us we went into more worship. I felt something right then leave me. I can’t explain it, a feeling of insecurity or something that was holding me back from worshiping was gone. I didn’t care how silly I looked, how loud I was or how bad I sounded. I was giving it all to him with my worship. It was truly just me and Jesus in that room for all I cared. I felt him kiss my heart then and I left my seat with the biggest smile. Then to my surprise as I turned the corner to leave the building there was a line for the door. It was RAINING! No not just rain like it does in California but I mean RAIN. There was lightening like I’ve never seen till I came out here and thunder so loud it shook the ground.
So I waited and waited for the busses to take people back and forth from where I was to the prayer room. Finally it was my turn, run, run I go to the buss. I ended up in the seat next to the side of the buss, squished between it and some very talkative guy. I couldn’t take my eyes off of outside and the amazing lightening, owing and awing at every bolt. Finally we arrived at IHOP. On the exiting of the buss I hear a guy make a comment to me:
“So im guessing that the fact that your just as amazed as I am that your from the west.”
“Yup” I say
“From California?” he says
“Yeah” I respond
“Southern California?” he asks
As it turns out, this guy is from Southern California too. Anthony is his name he was very sweet, medium height with dirty blonde hair and light eyes. I then respond and he asked me where exactly. I tell him Rancho Cucamonga. Surprisingly he knew exactly what I was talking about. So we talk a little as we both walk together back to the prayer room for night watch. That’s that with Anthony.
I then find myself again in the prayer room in the middle row toward the back. It was around nine thirty, maybe almost ten at the time. Praying and praying for hour upon hour along with reading Sacred Obsession. I then start to realize I don’t feel good, my stomach was hurting and I had a little bit of a headache. No big deal I thought, I will get over this. So I go back into what I was doing. Next thing I know I find myself looking back up at the clock, mean while this is not like me I haven’t ever felt like this. I couldn’t figure out what was the matter with me. Everything in me was wanting to be in that prayer room, it wasn’t like I was tired or anything. So I start praying about it and then realize that maybe it would be best if I went home and tried to sleep or something. Maybe my body is trying to tell me something. I know I have been wearing it out but come on, I’m tuff.
So I think to myself “well ok its after three in the morning, I know I can last three more hours what in the worlds the matter with me?” Its then that I realize that I should walk home, not knowing why. So I find myself up and out of my seat and on my way to the doors outside. Its then I realize that it’s still raining, not as much but raining. So with no hesitation I go on the mile walk back to my house. It’s not an easy walk, no not even a safe walk but I walk it everyday and sometimes night, what's the big deal, and who cares if it’s raining.
It’s in that moment that I start to feel like I'm in a movie. I start my journey home just me and my purse filled with a bible and two books. Of course of all the clothing color I was wearing white, go figure. Never the less in the middle of my walk I start to feel something inside me starting to break, I feel my heart fill up with emotion and my eyes swelling up with tears. I felt God touch me on that walk home. I felt him pouring his love over me that whole walk. I felt every kind of emotion you would feel as I was being drenched with rain water soaking me. I finally arrive home, stumbling for me key that I can’t see with all the rain pouring down my face from my hair. I get into the house and just feel in a rush to take my clothes off and get in pajamas. In a rush because I knew something was going to happen to me just then, something I had been wanting to do, trying to do and needing to do but hadn’t truly done. I went into the bathroom, figuring that’s where the girls wouldn’t hear me so I wouldn’t wake them up. I went into that bathroom and collapsed on the floor in tears.
A cry that when I think about it now it makes me want to cry. It was an amazing cry, one that works every muscle in your body. I lay face down on the floor physically crying out to God and I began to tell him “God take my life, take all of me. You have control, I am yours. God make me new, I don’t want to be who I once was. Come God and change me. I give you permission to do what you will with me and my life. I don’t want to be in control God, come take the pen of my life and I want you to write out my story of life and love God, not me. I want to leave here changed. I need you Jesus and only you. Come and fill me up, I want only you. Take this life and make it yours. I give you the control God; I give it ALL to you.” I felt him tell me to look at myself. So I got up and looked at myself in the mirror. I can’t even describe it. I looked in the mirror and saw the most beautiful girl before me, through the red puffy eyes with makeup everywhere. I was the most beautiful girl. I’m crying right now as I write this. I wish I could explain the way my eyes were to you. I couldn’t stop looking at them. They looked blue, blue like the ocean. So I had to get closer to take another look. No way I have blue eyes, my eyes are green. Sure enough my eyes were blue. The most beautiful blue eyes I’ve ever seen in my entire life. They were indescribable. For a few minutes God gave me his eyes, his eyes so I could see me how he sees me. I am beautiful, so beautiful to him. I don’t even mean out wards but every bit of me he is amazed by, everything about who I am, the way I look my personality, EVERYTHING captures his heart!!!
Its then I realized I had never done what I did that night. I gave him everything, I mean everything. I don’t want any of it. Why am I so worried about my life when I can just give it to him so he can piece it together for me. So I did, I gave it all and in that exact moment of me giving him all control he gave back to me and revealed to me, in a way I never thought possible, he showed me how he sees me. By literally giving me his eyes so that I was able to see the beauty he sees in me and the Joy his heart feels that I gave my life over to him. That’s all he wanted, he wanted me!!! He wants me and only me, all of me! That’s all I want, is for him to have all of me and I all of him.
That night in that little bathroom changed me. He has taken the pen and I don’t want to ever be in hold of it again. It was that night I laid my broken pieces on the floor at his feet and he let me watch him put them back together. They were put back together more beautiful than they ever were before.
Friday, June 6, 2008
LIFE
As I sit here in a hard wooden seat, panted black in color. I sit here at a table for three by myself away in the corner, in a room filled with the fragrance of coffee. People speaking loudly with friends and others with their eyes locked on their laptops. Enjoying a drink of their avalanche blended coffee drink. I look around in search of something. Wondering to myself why the walls are panted half blood red and the rest black. Then on the wall across from me I see faces. Faces of little children, ones just out of the womb and others young in age with life taped on their mouths. Then on other walls are paintings, very intense paintings that cannot be explained. They make a bold statement of life. Life that is valuable and so worth protecting. It hit me something about life and the undeniable beauty of a life worth saving. Life is so beautiful and amazing yet I think we all at some point take it for granite. There is such a beauty in life, and of life itself.
Life is worth saving. God did not give us life so we could take it and then throw it away. Some people see the gift of life as just a tissue, a cluster of cells. (Horton Hears a who) "I say if you can't see it, hear it or feel it, it doesn't exist." Sadly to say some people actually think this way. They think these things and how could something that small have feelings or be alive. How could it not!!! A person's a person no matter how small. That life is a life no matter how you want to look at it. When you abort this life or this "tissue" you are killing it, its murder even if you look at it as just a tissue. This life has been placed there in sequence to your actions. You know what creates life. If you cannot support, raise or care for this life why are you taking the action? Is it because this world is so corrupt with sex and immorality that taking the life of another it just right along with that? Or is it poor you that you would get pregnant when you continually took the action that calls for such a thing?
I am filled with anger when I see young girls literally throwing their babies away. When there are women out in the world, married, and trying so hard to have one and cannot. It makes me furious. I don't know if it's ok to feel this kind of anger but I do in this situation. Then I realize it is a righteous anger I feel. I know this is something that breaks the heart of God and as I sit and ask for his heart he gives me a heart for Justice. A heart for justice I have longed for, for way to long now. I have always felt this way but never felt a burning like this. I have been feeling this passion for a long time now it is being released inside me.
This is one thing I have realized. I have prayed for so many things, gifts and places for my heart to be in. As I sit in the prayer room and truly go after the things my heart desires I feel him giving them to me. What I desire I become. I have a heart for purity, justice, truth, young and old alike. A heart to be a mother to the young ones who don't have women there to breathe life into them. Help them understand things about themselves, their spirituality along with their sexuality. I know I have been put in the place to speak with young girls and tell them my story and my journey through life and relationships. Wow God I never knew and now it's just so clear. Everything is just so clear. Thank you Jesus!
Life is worth saving. God did not give us life so we could take it and then throw it away. Some people see the gift of life as just a tissue, a cluster of cells. (Horton Hears a who) "I say if you can't see it, hear it or feel it, it doesn't exist." Sadly to say some people actually think this way. They think these things and how could something that small have feelings or be alive. How could it not!!! A person's a person no matter how small. That life is a life no matter how you want to look at it. When you abort this life or this "tissue" you are killing it, its murder even if you look at it as just a tissue. This life has been placed there in sequence to your actions. You know what creates life. If you cannot support, raise or care for this life why are you taking the action? Is it because this world is so corrupt with sex and immorality that taking the life of another it just right along with that? Or is it poor you that you would get pregnant when you continually took the action that calls for such a thing?
I am filled with anger when I see young girls literally throwing their babies away. When there are women out in the world, married, and trying so hard to have one and cannot. It makes me furious. I don't know if it's ok to feel this kind of anger but I do in this situation. Then I realize it is a righteous anger I feel. I know this is something that breaks the heart of God and as I sit and ask for his heart he gives me a heart for Justice. A heart for justice I have longed for, for way to long now. I have always felt this way but never felt a burning like this. I have been feeling this passion for a long time now it is being released inside me.
This is one thing I have realized. I have prayed for so many things, gifts and places for my heart to be in. As I sit in the prayer room and truly go after the things my heart desires I feel him giving them to me. What I desire I become. I have a heart for purity, justice, truth, young and old alike. A heart to be a mother to the young ones who don't have women there to breathe life into them. Help them understand things about themselves, their spirituality along with their sexuality. I know I have been put in the place to speak with young girls and tell them my story and my journey through life and relationships. Wow God I never knew and now it's just so clear. Everything is just so clear. Thank you Jesus!
Thursday, June 5, 2008
NightWatch LONGING
Try as I may to chase another lover but yet I find there is no other than Jesus. I'm so blessed to have a lover like he. There is no other and I wouldn't want it any other way than to have him be my beloved and my friend. I'm so very love sick for my beloved. I search day and night for him. Crying his name and running after the shadow he leaves for me to chase. Where can I find him, in the secret place is where I find my true love. In my day to day devotion, prayer and longing for him.
I sit here, seated amongst many people yet he sees only me and hears my cry loud and clear. A single seat, hours and hours go by and yet I still cry for him to come and fill this heart. This heart that is still so empty. He sees me and hears every prayer I lift up to him. My prayers are like a fragrance, a beautiful noise to his ears. I sit here and wrestle with my beloved all night long. Going after what is beyond the wall violently. I sit here still with my eyes closed and heart open, in a seat I have not yet moved from. Amongst all the noise he is speaking. He is touching my heart among so many others all at the same time.
I feel I cannot say it enough, of how I want his heart to be in the place of mine. I don't want my heart anymore. I don't want my mind anymore. I need heavenly surgery, I need him to cut me open and place a new heart inside me. I need him to give me new eyes, that they would be like doves, focused only on him. I need him to give me a new mind. That I may think clearly. That old habits would be gone and new, heavenly ones in their place. I want a different mindset, I don't want to think or act the same. I want a makeover of my soul and everything connected to it. I want to shine his face. I don't want people to see me anymore. I want them to see him. I want to be loved for the beauty of my heart and soul. Not loved for my looks, not for what's on the outside but for what dwells within me.
I realized today reading Song of Solomon 2:7 "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires" when I read this It actually hit me. I don't want to arouse or awaken love before it so desires. I want it to be all in Gods timing. I have found time and time again that arousing and awakening love before its time only leads to the death of it. I now don't want to awaken or arouse love. As I read further in Song of Solomon I felt like he was showing me how in my obedience to this he will fulfill the promise. He will send me a man, greater than the other lovers I sought after that only brought tears and heart ache. Song of Solomon 2:8 "Listen! My lover! Look! Here he comes, leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills.' He will send me one such as this. I used to go after other lovers, each and everyone a forbidden love bound for death. I gained knowledge of what I don't want to do in my next relationship. I want to save up everything I so easily gave away before. I am not a prize to be won, I am a gift to be treasured. The sparkle in my fathers eye, for I am a pure and spotless diamond. I will find true love. Yet now my heart doesn't long for true love on earth, but a true love from heaven.
My father is guiding me every step of the way. Day by day I look to him to help me take the next step. Sometimes I do not see him but I take the step in faith knowing that he will be at the top of the staircase. Even if I can't see him every step, he is there holding my hand.
I sit here, seated amongst many people yet he sees only me and hears my cry loud and clear. A single seat, hours and hours go by and yet I still cry for him to come and fill this heart. This heart that is still so empty. He sees me and hears every prayer I lift up to him. My prayers are like a fragrance, a beautiful noise to his ears. I sit here and wrestle with my beloved all night long. Going after what is beyond the wall violently. I sit here still with my eyes closed and heart open, in a seat I have not yet moved from. Amongst all the noise he is speaking. He is touching my heart among so many others all at the same time.
I feel I cannot say it enough, of how I want his heart to be in the place of mine. I don't want my heart anymore. I don't want my mind anymore. I need heavenly surgery, I need him to cut me open and place a new heart inside me. I need him to give me new eyes, that they would be like doves, focused only on him. I need him to give me a new mind. That I may think clearly. That old habits would be gone and new, heavenly ones in their place. I want a different mindset, I don't want to think or act the same. I want a makeover of my soul and everything connected to it. I want to shine his face. I don't want people to see me anymore. I want them to see him. I want to be loved for the beauty of my heart and soul. Not loved for my looks, not for what's on the outside but for what dwells within me.
I realized today reading Song of Solomon 2:7 "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires" when I read this It actually hit me. I don't want to arouse or awaken love before it so desires. I want it to be all in Gods timing. I have found time and time again that arousing and awakening love before its time only leads to the death of it. I now don't want to awaken or arouse love. As I read further in Song of Solomon I felt like he was showing me how in my obedience to this he will fulfill the promise. He will send me a man, greater than the other lovers I sought after that only brought tears and heart ache. Song of Solomon 2:8 "Listen! My lover! Look! Here he comes, leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills.' He will send me one such as this. I used to go after other lovers, each and everyone a forbidden love bound for death. I gained knowledge of what I don't want to do in my next relationship. I want to save up everything I so easily gave away before. I am not a prize to be won, I am a gift to be treasured. The sparkle in my fathers eye, for I am a pure and spotless diamond. I will find true love. Yet now my heart doesn't long for true love on earth, but a true love from heaven.
My father is guiding me every step of the way. Day by day I look to him to help me take the next step. Sometimes I do not see him but I take the step in faith knowing that he will be at the top of the staircase. Even if I can't see him every step, he is there holding my hand.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
BURN IN ME
As I lay here feeling so tired but yet I am so awake. I wonder, wonder why a person would feel alone. Yet it's not a feeling you ask for, it just happens sometimes. I'm running, running fast after a King, my prince, my everything. Yet I wonder why it is I that feels so alone sometime with a wishing and a wanting for someone to love me. Then I realize that God has always loved me, even before time began. He knew me and he died for me. He is alive and I want to know this King who knows the desires of my heart. A King who can comfort me in my times of struggle, pain and emptiness. It's only he who can comfort me. He sees and hears the cries of my heart. My heart is crying out to him to come and fill me up. As I stand at a wall wanting to break it down, climb it or find some way around it. I yet again realize that it is in the stagnant waters that I learn how to swim. If I was just thrown into a raging river I would drown. As I stand before the wall, I pray and I pray. He is teaching me how to pray and how to look to him in the midst of everything. In the midst of the noise and every other distraction, I focus my eyes and my ears to him and him alone. He is building, not a wall but a relationship with me. One I can truly value. If he just gave me everything I asked for in the moment I asked, it would be of little value to me. But it is in the silence, in the desert place that I come before him and cry at his feet. It is at this time I tarry and tarry at the wall he is soon to break. This wall isn't a burden or something I should get mad at and give up. It is in my chasing after what is beyond the wall that I truly receive a reward. It is in the tarrying and the times of coming before him and receiving nothing but begging for it all, that draws me closer to him and to his heart. It is the longing, praying and the position of my heart that is building relationship with my God, my Creator. He is more magnificent than I ever knew. I wake up every morning just hoping the day will never end and I go to bed ever night begging for another hour in his presence. I long for his heart more than anything. All he wants is me, IS ME!!! I will never stop chasing him. He has chased me for way to long now it's my turn to go after his heart that It may become mine. I want to rejoice for what he rejoices. I want to ache for what his heart aches for. I want to love what he loves. I want his desires to be my own. I want to sing what's on his lips and I want to feel all that he feels. He has placed a fiery seal of desire on my heart and that fire cannot be put out! BURN IN ME!!!
Saturday, May 31, 2008
My Revelation At An Arizona Airport (never ending flow & a wild fire that cannot be contained)
He's sending me out! Sending me out to a place I've never been, never been alone. Then I came to the realization, I'm not alone. It's the same as it was before, yet this time I'm going on a journey not with family or friends but with my King, my Prince. He's taking me to a different place. Yes, a different place in the physical but most importantly a different place spiritually. He's stretching me beyond my own belief. I'm having to place him in a spot that I was so scared to do before. I knew if I placed him where I truly wanted him and knew he needed to be in my heart and in my life he would truly enter into me. I knew that in doing that I would have to loose things I held so dear. Now in this season he has placed me in, I have nothing. Nothing to hold me back, silly things I let get in the way before. Things so not worth my time and effort. I was putting everything of me and all I had into the wrong relationship. I was trying to fill my life with things and people that could never fill the empty stop I had inside my heart. I had this place in me that was empty needing to be filled with love, intimacy, presence and passion. I placed men of the world in this place. It was so easy, they were everywhere groveling at my feet. Each and everyone of them telling me I was the one, the one God made for them. What girl doesn't want that reality, that truth. I kept searching and kept believing the lie of man. How could I find true love like that when I didn't even know who I was? How could I even know what I wanted?
Truth is I didn't and in this moment I still don't have a clear picture of what I want. In a man of the world that is. I found this man, and I'm letting him in even as I sit here and write at an airport in Arizona. I've never let him in like this. I've never craved his touch this much, never. I always thought I did, but now I know what true hunger feels like. I sit here aching for his touch, his voice, his presence to come and fill me. I cry a lot now, not sad tears but tears filled with joy I never knew was in me. It's as if in an instant I feel his hand touch my heart. So much so, a physical manifestation of tears appear. I'm ready to hit the wall, the wall I can stand and tarry before.
I have found truth, truth that satisfies my every aching desire and longing for love, intimacy, presence and passion. I found it in a true love, a true love that will never leave me and will always sustain no matter the wavering of my heart, actions or emotions. He truly loves unconditionally. I'm going after knowledge, the knowledge of his love for me. I want to truly know because it's in that truth that I can love him. All I want is to love him. He is my sustainer of everything. My soul longs for him and nothing else will do. I believe that in my emptiness he will come and fill me. I believe as a sit before his throne and cry out his name he will answer me. I know that no other lover will satisfy me the way he does and when I place him in me and run after intimacy with him he will be my foundation and my true security. He's not an imitation, he is true love. I long for his love, come God, come and rain your love over me and in me that I may poor it out. I want not a little taste, I want a never ending flow. Come burn inside me. I don't want just embers, I want a wild fire that cannot be contained or put out. You are my everything and I'm chasing after you, never to stop no matter the distance.
Truth is I didn't and in this moment I still don't have a clear picture of what I want. In a man of the world that is. I found this man, and I'm letting him in even as I sit here and write at an airport in Arizona. I've never let him in like this. I've never craved his touch this much, never. I always thought I did, but now I know what true hunger feels like. I sit here aching for his touch, his voice, his presence to come and fill me. I cry a lot now, not sad tears but tears filled with joy I never knew was in me. It's as if in an instant I feel his hand touch my heart. So much so, a physical manifestation of tears appear. I'm ready to hit the wall, the wall I can stand and tarry before.
I have found truth, truth that satisfies my every aching desire and longing for love, intimacy, presence and passion. I found it in a true love, a true love that will never leave me and will always sustain no matter the wavering of my heart, actions or emotions. He truly loves unconditionally. I'm going after knowledge, the knowledge of his love for me. I want to truly know because it's in that truth that I can love him. All I want is to love him. He is my sustainer of everything. My soul longs for him and nothing else will do. I believe that in my emptiness he will come and fill me. I believe as a sit before his throne and cry out his name he will answer me. I know that no other lover will satisfy me the way he does and when I place him in me and run after intimacy with him he will be my foundation and my true security. He's not an imitation, he is true love. I long for his love, come God, come and rain your love over me and in me that I may poor it out. I want not a little taste, I want a never ending flow. Come burn inside me. I don't want just embers, I want a wild fire that cannot be contained or put out. You are my everything and I'm chasing after you, never to stop no matter the distance.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
GIVE ME JESUS
It's weird when your life is jolted, smashed and flipped in circles and you realize you did it all to yourself without knowing it in the instance of your sin. Then you get a shock, a shock of the reality your living in. Not a bad shock, an amazingly good, painful shock. The kind of shock where you stop and look at what your doing to yourself and the people around you. The kind of shock that in an instant you realize what the devil is trying to do...take you away, move you further from your destiny and put before you things you used to feel were more important than the love of God...mans love and acceptance. A shock that takes you through your sin and lays you out naked before a city, a congregation. It's the way you react to this revealing of sin you have been living in that so many are living in too. It's easy to wonder and wish other's same sin would be uncovered but then you realized the work God is doing in you and the unveiling of your sin was the next step toward your destiny. Sin covered only holds you back. I've now realized i was a car, a car on a road to the middle of no where. Then i woke up and was able to tell myself the truth "your a car on your way to the middle on no where". It was in my revelation of this that i realized the love God has for me. He can take this beat up car in need of him and make it new again. He can take this path that I've been so blindly driving on and make a new path paved beautifully for me to drive on. No matter how far i strayed and no matter how much i denied that I was on a road destined for the end of a cliff, he's there waiting for me to cry out. I realize the path my car was on was not where i wanting it to be. I had turned down the wrong street once, then twice, then three times. There is something that is beautiful, i feel, in time of brokenness. Something that God reveals to you when you sit before him crying out for him to literally change your way of thinking. Change your heart, change you mind. Him coming inside of you and changing old habits, old ways of thinking, old ways of feeling. When you feel him place a seed inside you and everyday you feel him watering it. When you sit and pray, sing, cry and laugh in his presence. He is there watering this seed, watching it grow and is smiling over you as you grow in love, truth and knowledge of him and his love for you. There is so much beauty in Gods love for me. He is my true love. He loves me in my sin, in my repentance and in my restoration. When there is true repentance, there is true and complete restoration. Identity is the key to unlocking destiny. When you know his love for you, you can truly love him. It's then he gives you the key. He never stops giving. I have this sword now, a sword i so many times looked passed, so many times gave up and went after lesser things. It was in my realization of the mighty warrior i am that i now picked this sword up and am never letting it go. Every day i will find a way to use it. I'm going after my destiny and nothing can take this fire, nothing will take this joy, nothing and no one will take this burning. I'm finding my identity in my God and I'm ready to take the world back, so give me Jesus!!!!!!!!
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