NightWatch LONGING

Try as I may to chase another lover but yet I find there is no other than Jesus. I'm so blessed to have a lover like he. There is no other and I wouldn't want it any other way than to have him be my beloved and my friend. I'm so very love sick for my beloved. I search day and night for him. Crying his name and running after the shadow he leaves for me to chase. Where can I find him, in the secret place is where I find my true love. In my day to day devotion, prayer and longing for him.
I sit here, seated amongst many people yet he sees only me and hears my cry loud and clear. A single seat, hours and hours go by and yet I still cry for him to come and fill this heart. This heart that is still so empty. He sees me and hears every prayer I lift up to him. My prayers are like a fragrance, a beautiful noise to his ears. I sit here and wrestle with my beloved all night long. Going after what is beyond the wall violently. I sit here still with my eyes closed and heart open, in a seat I have not yet moved from. Amongst all the noise he is speaking. He is touching my heart among so many others all at the same time.
I feel I cannot say it enough, of how I want his heart to be in the place of mine. I don't want my heart anymore. I don't want my mind anymore. I need heavenly surgery, I need him to cut me open and place a new heart inside me. I need him to give me new eyes, that they would be like doves, focused only on him. I need him to give me a new mind. That I may think clearly. That old habits would be gone and new, heavenly ones in their place. I want a different mindset, I don't want to think or act the same. I want a makeover of my soul and everything connected to it. I want to shine his face. I don't want people to see me anymore. I want them to see him. I want to be loved for the beauty of my heart and soul. Not loved for my looks, not for what's on the outside but for what dwells within me.
I realized today reading Song of Solomon 2:7 "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires" when I read this It actually hit me. I don't want to arouse or awaken love before it so desires. I want it to be all in Gods timing. I have found time and time again that arousing and awakening love before its time only leads to the death of it. I now don't want to awaken or arouse love. As I read further in Song of Solomon I felt like he was showing me how in my obedience to this he will fulfill the promise. He will send me a man, greater than the other lovers I sought after that only brought tears and heart ache. Song of Solomon 2:8 "Listen! My lover! Look! Here he comes, leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills.' He will send me one such as this. I used to go after other lovers, each and everyone a forbidden love bound for death. I gained knowledge of what I don't want to do in my next relationship. I want to save up everything I so easily gave away before. I am not a prize to be won, I am a gift to be treasured. The sparkle in my fathers eye, for I am a pure and spotless diamond. I will find true love. Yet now my heart doesn't long for true love on earth, but a true love from heaven.
My father is guiding me every step of the way. Day by day I look to him to help me take the next step. Sometimes I do not see him but I take the step in faith knowing that he will be at the top of the staircase. Even if I can't see him every step, he is there holding my hand.