TAKE ALL OF ME!!!

Sunday evening I found myself again walking back to the prayer house. I was on my way there to catch a buss over to the FMA (forerunner music academy) building for Church at 6:00pm. It was a beautiful day, minus the humidity of like 100% and the blazing sun beating down on me as I walked the mile to the prayer house.

I found myself sitting in this huge room, a room I had been in before with my ears listening to the beautiful music that was coming out of Alisha Powell’s mouth. Then Lou gets up to speak after the dancers do this amazing dance along with this song that all just made me break out in tears. Lou gets up on stage and starts off by making us all laugh, love the guys he’s so much fun, and then just goes off about the call he feels for us to start a 40 day fast. Starting on the 30th all the way till the Call DC. He just stood up there burning calling us to this fast. I felt it hit me like a wave, many people felt the same wave. You could see it on their facial expressions.

Then after Lou’s talk with us we went into more worship. I felt something right then leave me. I can’t explain it, a feeling of insecurity or something that was holding me back from worshiping was gone. I didn’t care how silly I looked, how loud I was or how bad I sounded. I was giving it all to him with my worship. It was truly just me and Jesus in that room for all I cared. I felt him kiss my heart then and I left my seat with the biggest smile. Then to my surprise as I turned the corner to leave the building there was a line for the door. It was RAINING! No not just rain like it does in California but I mean RAIN. There was lightening like I’ve never seen till I came out here and thunder so loud it shook the ground.

So I waited and waited for the busses to take people back and forth from where I was to the prayer room. Finally it was my turn, run, run I go to the buss. I ended up in the seat next to the side of the buss, squished between it and some very talkative guy. I couldn’t take my eyes off of outside and the amazing lightening, owing and awing at every bolt. Finally we arrived at IHOP. On the exiting of the buss I hear a guy make a comment to me:
“So im guessing that the fact that your just as amazed as I am that your from the west.”
“Yup” I say
“From California?” he says
“Yeah” I respond
“Southern California?” he asks
As it turns out, this guy is from Southern California too. Anthony is his name he was very sweet, medium height with dirty blonde hair and light eyes. I then respond and he asked me where exactly. I tell him Rancho Cucamonga. Surprisingly he knew exactly what I was talking about. So we talk a little as we both walk together back to the prayer room for night watch. That’s that with Anthony.

I then find myself again in the prayer room in the middle row toward the back. It was around nine thirty, maybe almost ten at the time. Praying and praying for hour upon hour along with reading Sacred Obsession. I then start to realize I don’t feel good, my stomach was hurting and I had a little bit of a headache. No big deal I thought, I will get over this. So I go back into what I was doing. Next thing I know I find myself looking back up at the clock, mean while this is not like me I haven’t ever felt like this. I couldn’t figure out what was the matter with me. Everything in me was wanting to be in that prayer room, it wasn’t like I was tired or anything. So I start praying about it and then realize that maybe it would be best if I went home and tried to sleep or something. Maybe my body is trying to tell me something. I know I have been wearing it out but come on, I’m tuff.

So I think to myself “well ok its after three in the morning, I know I can last three more hours what in the worlds the matter with me?” Its then that I realize that I should walk home, not knowing why. So I find myself up and out of my seat and on my way to the doors outside. Its then I realize that it’s still raining, not as much but raining. So with no hesitation I go on the mile walk back to my house. It’s not an easy walk, no not even a safe walk but I walk it everyday and sometimes night, what's the big deal, and who cares if it’s raining.

It’s in that moment that I start to feel like I'm in a movie. I start my journey home just me and my purse filled with a bible and two books. Of course of all the clothing color I was wearing white, go figure. Never the less in the middle of my walk I start to feel something inside me starting to break, I feel my heart fill up with emotion and my eyes swelling up with tears. I felt God touch me on that walk home. I felt him pouring his love over me that whole walk. I felt every kind of emotion you would feel as I was being drenched with rain water soaking me. I finally arrive home, stumbling for me key that I can’t see with all the rain pouring down my face from my hair. I get into the house and just feel in a rush to take my clothes off and get in pajamas. In a rush because I knew something was going to happen to me just then, something I had been wanting to do, trying to do and needing to do but hadn’t truly done. I went into the bathroom, figuring that’s where the girls wouldn’t hear me so I wouldn’t wake them up. I went into that bathroom and collapsed on the floor in tears.

A cry that when I think about it now it makes me want to cry. It was an amazing cry, one that works every muscle in your body. I lay face down on the floor physically crying out to God and I began to tell him “God take my life, take all of me. You have control, I am yours. God make me new, I don’t want to be who I once was. Come God and change me. I give you permission to do what you will with me and my life. I don’t want to be in control God, come take the pen of my life and I want you to write out my story of life and love God, not me. I want to leave here changed. I need you Jesus and only you. Come and fill me up, I want only you. Take this life and make it yours. I give you the control God; I give it ALL to you.” I felt him tell me to look at myself. So I got up and looked at myself in the mirror. I can’t even describe it. I looked in the mirror and saw the most beautiful girl before me, through the red puffy eyes with makeup everywhere. I was the most beautiful girl. I’m crying right now as I write this. I wish I could explain the way my eyes were to you. I couldn’t stop looking at them. They looked blue, blue like the ocean. So I had to get closer to take another look. No way I have blue eyes, my eyes are green. Sure enough my eyes were blue. The most beautiful blue eyes I’ve ever seen in my entire life. They were indescribable. For a few minutes God gave me his eyes, his eyes so I could see me how he sees me. I am beautiful, so beautiful to him. I don’t even mean out wards but every bit of me he is amazed by, everything about who I am, the way I look my personality, EVERYTHING captures his heart!!!

Its then I realized I had never done what I did that night. I gave him everything, I mean everything. I don’t want any of it. Why am I so worried about my life when I can just give it to him so he can piece it together for me. So I did, I gave it all and in that exact moment of me giving him all control he gave back to me and revealed to me, in a way I never thought possible, he showed me how he sees me. By literally giving me his eyes so that I was able to see the beauty he sees in me and the Joy his heart feels that I gave my life over to him. That’s all he wanted, he wanted me!!! He wants me and only me, all of me! That’s all I want, is for him to have all of me and I all of him.

That night in that little bathroom changed me. He has taken the pen and I don’t want to ever be in hold of it again. It was that night I laid my broken pieces on the floor at his feet and he let me watch him put them back together. They were put back together more beautiful than they ever were before.